WE ARE PREGNANT!
This post is soo overdue. (apologies X100)
But, it’s here and I’ve never been so extremely thrilled and so thankful beyond belief to share this pregnancy journey with everyone. It’s been so magical to learn about and experience this beautiful gift and we’ve never been so over the moon. I really cannot wait to finally share all the details about this little one! I wanna be very candid and share all the things so that one day myself or baby can look back and see just how loved baby Workman really is.
ps. Wanted to share for anyone out there struggling with wanting + having your own little one, I hope these posts give you inspiration and never make you feel less than. I know your struggles, I feel your heart aches, and my door is always open.
—WHY A RAINBOW BABY—
In 2018, Ashton & I still lived in Lake Charles, Louisiana. We were roughly 7 months away from having our dream wedding… In the midst of wedding planning, trying to cope with not seeing family that lived 14 hours away, at 20 years old, I found out I was pregnant. By myself in the bathroom away from everyone I loved and scared to death because how was I going to support a baby from here? In the middle of wedding planning? I called Ashton who actually was THRILLED by the fact of.
We were not trying… (but also we was not, NOT trying) he just genuinely loved the idea and came home to let me retest and get scared some more. He supported me and made me feel that my feelings were valued and I was allowed to be sad almost with the idea. We face-timed my sisters, mom & dad, his mom & dad and they were all very shocked as well!
It was overall an emotional roller coaster. When Ashton left me to go to work the next few days I would stay home and cry. But when he came home or I talked to my family about the new addition, my heart fluttered. I was happy and felt this was the best thing for us. At night when I laid my head down, I didn’t want this baby. That’s clear to me now.. And it saddens me greatly.
We decided to keep the wedding date and just wait until we could think straight to announce it.
The middle of December I noticed light pink while using the restroom. I still remember that feeling. The feeling that I can’t explain but I knew. I looked it up, completely normal. Called my local OB in LA, wouldn’t see me and told me to calm down. Called family, don’t stress.
It kept progressing… from pink to red to dark red. The only thing that kept me sane was buying pregnancy tests on-top of pregnancy tests to see that positive sign. Which of course deep down did not help me and knowing what I know now, was silly to do…
December 21st. Still bleeding every time I went to the bathroom. We were traveling home to Louisiana to Kentucky. Putting my fears behind me, tucking them away, I was so excited to see my family and share the joy of our little one with them. I walked in after a long 14 hour truck ride, home for maybe an hour and the blood was the worst it ever was. This time through my clothes. I cried and immediately knew.
My sisters, husband, and mother in law took me to the ER. I maybe was there for 4 to 5 hours. it was draining, it was scary, and it was awkward. We all knew what was happening. I was asked to pee in a cup. They told me to try and not get blood in it… Which killed my heart. didn’t hear anything for hours. Finally an ultrasound. Hours later…
A spontaneous abortion — Miscarriage.
The tears. My life. My heart. Broken.
The car ride home, my husband and I laid on each others shoulder and cried. We balled. We screamed. We questioned. We were blameful of ourselves. We were everything except parents.
This baby… I didn’t think I wanted but now know I needed more than ever was taken from me. Vanished. Gone. And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I could get a second opinion, (which I did + it was indeed a fetus that had vanished) and hope for the best. But if it was right. What now? Three and now 2 days before Christmas and this is my gift?
It. was. not. fair.
For a very, very long time it was a nightmare. Something we didn’t know we needed, and it was just gone. We struggled and it was so hard for our relationship for such a long time. We still struggle to think about our angel baby, but to know that the first thing they saw in life was Jesus… That makes it better. Our baby knows the real meaning of love and knows nothing but the beautiful love of our God. And that helped us.
This was my initial visit to my OB to learn about our fertility. We tried from the time we miscarried to this day. June 18th of 2020. And this is where we were. Going to see if it was me. If I was to blame. We talked, told me in a couple months to draw blood and figure a few things out. See if my levels were okay.. My physician did prescribe me clomiphene, which is a pretty common drug when woman are struggling with fertility.
Hubby went to his primary doctor to see if she could do a semen analysis. He did get referred and go the 29th to do that! Other than that, he’s literally as healthy as a horse. Per his Doc. lol I remember vividly that his phone died and he drew me a picture on his recipet and it was too sweet.
He actually went and done the deal this day! Lol. Then on 7/06/2020… Ashton called me and told me that his semen count was indeed low! He had an appointment on that Friday to talk more about it… But I felt so bad because I was too happy about it. I thought it was an easy fix and then boom! We’re pregnant! But of course… That was selfish and Ashton felt really upset about it.
We went to the doctors and found that his levels were 19% and it’s supposed to be over 50%.. He got the speech about wearing tight clothing, take his vitamins and add in fish oil! Because that helps with male fertility! He got his labs drawn and did another testing and they came back perfect… His levels were up! I felt it in my bones that we were gonna be pregnant soon!
This day I went to see if my blood could give us answers. I got my blood drawn, not a single inordinacy thing. I was a perfectly healthy woman and everything was okay… And my heart was not. I was mad? About being healthy? yes. But I basically felt the same as I did when I walked in.. Confused and farther than ever from having a baby.
I remember leaving MY OWN New Years Eve party and going to my bed room and cried. I just cried hard. I wanted a baby and we had no answers and I deserved to be a mommy. It was heartbreaking and Ashton came in there and he cried with me. We were so heart broken.
Happy Anniversary Ashy!! lol. Another long time to wait and do nothing but that is how we felt. We felt all we had to do was wait. (we were right..) But it was our anniversary and what better day to talk to a fertility doctor and get answers on growing your family? We actually got told that we were both very healthy young kids and that he wouldn’t be surprised if in four months we were pregnant… I just didn’t wanna hear that. But he was so right.
This was the day that we came in Indianapolis… But take a few steps back and we both came to our senses and started reading our bibles and praying to God and we prayed. So hard. Everyday praying and asking God to give us the ultimate gift of parent hood. We had an urge to just live our life and be happy and enjoy each other. So we started going to races, we bought a RZR to go riding and praying to our lord.
SURPRISE!!!!! 🌈👼🏼✨ How incredibly amazing and sweet this day was. I remember it just like it was yesterday and it was the best day. of. our. lives. We are pregnant with our precious little baby!
I woke up that morning and I feel that God told me to take a test. I know it was him. So I stopped immediately of what I was doing and ran to 3 different dollar stores and took all four. He laid his hands down on me and gave me the most beautiful thing ever… A baby.
I took 1. Facetimed my sister balling. I had this feeling it was going to be positive, but OH MY GOSH. I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t seen it in so long and we were here and I was so happy. I went to my MIL’S and took three more, and it felt so real. I called my OB, I was only around 3 to 4 weeks when I found out so I had to wait a whole month almost!
I waited for Ashton to come home and surprised him with all the test and he was so happy! But I think deeply he was scared. But we let God take control of our fears and our happiness soared.
I mean, all we had to thank for this was Jesus. We praised him so hard after finding out about our little one. It filled our hearts with so much love and we screamed it from the roof tops and told our parents, my sisters, brother-in-laws, we told our grandmothers and it all just felt. so. right.
You’re finally ours, little baby and I can’t wait to watch you grow and then love and hold you for the rest of our lives.